Your life is like constantly riding a rollercoaster. A series of small ups and downs are followed by sudden drops and severe climbs, only to fall again. Just when you think things are going well for you and your loved one, they enter a crisis where the rug is pulled out from underneath both your worlds. Living with a significant other with bipolar disorder is not only a challenge for the individual, but also for their family, friends and caregivers. The sudden changes in behavior that come with each day, week and month makes your world suddenly unpredictable at best.
Even when your partner, child or friend with bipolar disorder is doing well, you are constantly on your guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You listen to each word, phrase and watch every action looking for cues that something bad is about to happen. The fear of the next crisis is always in the back of your mind. Never knowing what to expect, you are always on a heightened state of readiness. You show suspicion and frustration when they don’t come out of their room all day and wonder why they can’t be the sociable, productive version of themselves all the time. This leads to even more conflict between you and pushes them further away.
The treatment of bipolar disorder is difficult by itself, but when coupled with OCD or other conditions, such as substance abuse, it becomes extremely difficult.
As their advocate, there will be times you need to challenge the doctors in a positive manner or consider a different therapeutic approach. You have seen your loved one when they were good and when they were bad. You have their medication history, knowledge of their previous hospital stays and access to their medical records. You know what has worked and what didn’t work regarding their treatments and medicines. Don’t be afraid to share that information with the doctors, it will aid them in treating your loved one.
Over time, the constant level of stress will sap your strength, both physical and emotional. You need to work diligently to maintain your own health during this period. You need to sleep, eat right and exercise in order to maintain your strength and health. Your entire family’s being revolves around your loved one. You give up travelling, going out to eat, have lost jobs and no longer have a social life. You make excuses for their behavior and are afraid and ashamed to talk to others about their disorder. You need to access the services of a behavioral professional to ensure you have an outlet for your frustrations and concerns. Joining a support group through NAMI or another community organization will provide the information, training, references and emotional support you need to continue the journey. Know that some of your friends will understand your plight but others will not be able to identify with your situation. Be aware that mental health challenges are very scary to people who have not been exposed to someone who has one. Don’t isolate yourself from your community; this is the time when you need to be socializing. You need emotional support to make it through this period of uncertainty.
Guilt and shame also needs to be confronted and discussed with your behavioral professional. You feel a great sense of guilt that you cannot do more for the one affected with bipolar. Helplessness turns into guilt, which is not an emotion you want to deal with alone. One other feeling you need to confront is “giving up” and the desire to leave the situation. It is normal to become frustrated with the lack of progress, the instability for weeks leading up to and following changes in medication and/or treatment. Managing your expectations of your loved one is very important and if you are having these thoughts, you need to discuss them with a behavioral professional. Sharing your strength is critical, but you need to save some for yourself. It is okay to ask for help.
One of the keys to your survival as a caregiver is to see bipolar disorder as a disease of the brain, not just a mental illness. Be angry at the disease, the illness and not the person who is afflicted. Your loved one is suffering terribly and you in many ways are feeling scared, confused and helpless. Your perception is that you have no control over the situation. That is true, but you have power, the power to advocate for their right to receive the care they require. Use that power and you can provide the emotional support they need to fight the fight.
